Pic by Duy Pham-Unsplash
I received the news of a friend’s spouse passing away with a lot of sorrow. I began to brace myself to go meet her. But circumstances beyond my control delayed that meeting. When I finally could and arrived at her place I learnt to my horror that the ‘friend’ I had come to console had also passed away a fortnight back. Gaining control, I met her son and we chatted for long, exchanging experiences and thoughts that involved his mother.
The news of the passing away of another of my friend and a long-time colleague was devastating. It was not her age to die. Most of us knew the sufferings that life had heaped upon her. Angry, extremely sad and desperately wanting to do something in her memory, I reached out to some more of what I would still call ‘friends’ to rally around and organize something to perpetuate her memory. But after some chatter and the kind of noises such situations evoke, nothing happened.
I have yet to walk up to the husband of another friend and neighbour who recently succumbed to cancer.
I am citing all incidents of death and loss as reaching out during such tragedies is a must. That’s what friends are for. And that makes me think, “Who after all are friends?’
Friendship is a much-celebrated relationship. Sometimes, it goes beyond immediate family and often overrides familial ties. We put so much into our friends and friendship. “More than family it's friends who are always there for you,” is an argument often given by those who love to deny family bonds. Blood may be thicker than water but a friend always withstands the test of time, is another common refrain. In fact, in the extended family too, we would love to describe a cousin as, “She is more of a friend than family.” And when a dear friend is always around we love to say, "She is family."
The test of time proves how overrated these adages are. We forget friends as we get busy raising our families which is our priority. We ignore friends as other commitments consume us. We never have time to hang out with friends in that maddening race for professional pursuits. We almost skip being there for a friend justifying it with, “Oh her family is there to take care”.
Friends enrich our lives and make up our world, but they just about stop short of being our lives or our world. A jealous friend or one with temperamental issues can make us queasy enough to distance ourselves or block her out altogether. But we show extreme patience and endure when similar qualities are spotted in our siblings, spouse or kids.
We acquire friends from the outside world, in schools, at the workplace and in society. And that’s what they remain. Outsiders. We use friends to unload our emotional baggage. We use them as a convenience, especially if they happen to be single.
What we cherish about friendships is the room it gives us to walk out. That we can remain incommunicado and get back when we so desire. The fact that however deep and long the friendship may have been, there remains an element of being strangers and not being answerable. The understanding that comes with all of this is what sustains a friendship.
Friendships are to die for when we are young. They are a lifeline when we are in our thirties. They are put on the back burner when in our forties and fifties we are busy with kids and careers. We need them the most in our twilight years when our children leave home to make a living and when one loses a partner.
And that's the best part about friends. They are there if you need them. They won't mind if you temporarily forget them. And they will be back whenever you call them and indulge and humour you as you give them reasons for not being there for a while. That's the beauty of friendship.
All I can say to all my dear friends is, “I am there if you need me. Don’t mind if I fail to reach out.”
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